The Behavioral Divorce

After having been part of a couple for a number of years, the prospect of single life can be intimidating and overwhelming.  This can be especially difficult if you have been married 20 years or longer. There is a transition from the dependency of couple ship to the independence of singlehood.  You must learn how to do all the things your spouse previously took care of. If your spouse shopped and cooked all the meals, serviced the automobiles or paid all the bills, you will now have to learn how to do these tasks.  If you are a young father, you may have to learn how to give a princess party for 10 seven year olds for your daughter’s birthday. There is a lot to learn.

In addition to the parenting and other life tasks you may be called upon to master, there is the task of living alone. Loneliness comes in different time frames for all of us. Some begin to re-couple before the divorce is final, some soon after, and some need more healing time before seeking another partner. Humans naturally gravitate towards a committed relationship and statistics bear that out. Most people remarry within 3-5 years of a divorce, men sooner than women. After years of having your leisure time planned for you with kids activities or couple friends with whom you grilled out on Saturday nights, learning to be alone is not as daunting as you might imagine. You will cultivate single friends who have more freedom to travel or spontaneously go to the movies or out to dinner. Getting involved in new activities will help you meet more people. If your company has a bowling team, join even if you are not crazy about bowling. Learn to play golf, or take lessons to improve your game. Take a class, involve yourself in church activities, climb the Himalayas!

If you have children, you still have the obligation of making a home for them when it is your time to parent. That can be fulfilling and keep you busy and involved. A word of caution, find adult friends for you. The burden on children to be your companion, confidante and playmate is too great for any child, regardless of their age.  They should be able to e children, teenagers and young adults. They have many developmental tasks to accomplish for themselves, without feeling obligated to help you accomplish yours.



Next: The Community Divorce